Unbearable Distance.


The other night while kid-free, my husband and I played the all to familiar game 20 questions. You know the one where your significant other and yourself ask each other questions pertaining to how y’all feel about the other and things that y’all like in an attempt to learn even more about your favorite person or maybe even to revisit some distant memory and the feelings that reside there.

After going back and forth it was my turn yet again, running low on questions I popped off, “What attracted you to me other than the fact I was a female that was still breathing? His response, “You had a “don’t give a d**n” attitude, you were the only girl I ever met who really did not care what everyone thought of you.”

His response blind-sided me, and it is something I have been chewing on since Friday night. I have been trying to figure out why I am like that and why it’s been eating at me but I believe this morning I might have an inkling as to why.

I have that attitude because what I show the everyday world isn’t me. I don’t share myself with everyone I come into contact with, so therefore what they think of me is only a reflection of what I have allowed them to perceive of me. That isn’t the real Stephanie. Perhaps that’s also why I have felt so exposed and raw since starting this blog, my inner thoughts are here, for everyone to see and to judge.

I’m going to be real with ya’ll, I’m in one of the lowest points in my spiritual journey. In every Christians life there are highs and lows, mountaintops and valleys, but odd thing is I can’t really recall a moment when a fellow Christian admitted they were in a spiritual slump. As if it’s shameful. {{How are fellow followers of Christ supposed to know how to maneuver such rough waters if no one has warned them?!}}I hate to even admit it, even to myself, because I carry a sense of guilt with it. A “Why are you complaining?” attitude, you see, seemingly on the outside everything is fine, marriage is great, littles are healthy, extended family are all healthy, business is booming, but why do I experience this nagging distance from God daily?

So to the Bible I turn to find some type of example and naturally the Lord is faithful even when I am not, loving me when I’m not very lovable just like a good parent does, instead of chastising me for going outside the boundaries He has laid for me, and throwing a temper tantrum a two-year old would be envious of, He so mercifully grabs me by my hand and leads me back to His careful watch. Peter was so on fire for the Lord, ready to fight to the death for Him in the garden, but when Christ was led away, when Christ was no longer in Peter’s sight as the Strong Messiah but rather the Sacrificial Lamb, Peter’s mind changed. Peter, for a moment, desired the tangible, instant warmth of the earthly fires instead of the lasting heat from the eternal light of Christ. Peter denied Christ with his mouth, his words, but I deny Him so often with my actions. The Lord looked upon Peter, {{Oh, how I feel that steel faced gaze my mother would give me when I was being blatantly disobedient!}} and with a look, just a look, no raising of the voice, no threatenings, no spankings, Peter went out from His presence and wept bitterly.

I am in that season of weeping bitterly for the Lord, to feel His presence, to have that fellowship and communion of seasons past.

There is hope, always hope, as long as there is breath in my lungs I have HOPE. John 20 describes the morning of the empty tomb and though John outran Peter to the tomb, John stopped at the door, Peter ran into the tomb and held the linens in his hand. Perhaps Peter sensed that rehabilitation in his relationship with Christ was soon at hand. In John 21 it seems as if Peter went back to his old ways, back to being a fishermen. But whenever Jesus called from the shore and John tells Peter it was the Lord, Peter jumps into the water and swims to Christ on the shore. Jesus asks Peter if Peter loves Him, not just once but three times! Peter responds all three times “Yea, Lord: thou knowest that I love thee.” Then on the third time Peter was GRIEVED, I too feel grieved, I too feel that piercing sting of failure that Peter felt, but Peter tells Christ,

“Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee.”

YES! That’s what I needed and I’m in tears as I type this, Christ knows all things, He knows my love for Him! I mirror His love for me, in my love for my children, though they disobey me and one day might disown me {{I hope that doesn’t happen}}, I will forever hold the knowledge that I love them, regardless of what they might say or do. Also, I will always have my recieving arms wide open for when they come to me for forgiveness as long as I’m alive, but how much sweeter and rewarding it would be if we could never fall out of sorts with one another, a lifetime of bliss. The same is with Christ, I just have to go to Him. Yes, reconciliation is possible as long as I’m alive but I don’t want to miss out on anymore than I have, I want Christ. I long to be that daughter that God loves to hear from, not hesitantly listens to because it’s always complaining or desiring something else. I desire to be the daughter that brings joy to God rather than the daughter who constantly has to be reprimanded. To provoke a smile to stretch across God’s infitnitely Holy face, rather than trigger a frown. I’m seeking for an eternity of bliss.