Mid-Life Crisis?!

IMG_3085I find myself seemingly standing still, it’s as if I’m the stationary figure in the midst of the snow globe and everything and everyone else surrounding me is the glitter that is constantly spiraling around me because someone keeps shaking the globe up, as soon as I think I have my focus on one thing or person, my globe gets shook up and I can’t hone in on anything. I have never been one to call a moment in one’s life a “mid-life crisis”, rather simply, that people and their taste in things are steadily¬†evolving. Presently, I digress.

For as far back as I can recall since being with Donald and having our littles, I have ALWAYS felt satisfied and content, needing nothing more than their happiness and health to fuel my own. But now as the years have passed and each have their own interests and hobbies, I find myself twiddling my thumbs. {{which for a homemaker and mother to four littles equates to folding laundry and replacing books in their rightful place on the bookshelf.}} You’re probably saying, “Girl you have four kids under 10 surely you’re needed.” Yes, I’m needed for the necessities for basic everyday life. Not so much for the fun stuff, thankfully my children all play together very well, but oftentimes that leaves me lonely and mindlessly tending to house chores and office work. Currently I find myself struggling through a season of reforming and refining of my own identity, spiritually and emotionally.

I had always assumed the “mid-life crisis” happened when one was in their 50’s or so, not late 20’s. But y’all I feel it. I feel like a hostage in a crisis situation, it’s as if the perpetrator has his hand over my mouth to keep my screams from reaching the ears of a possible hero and I’m suffocating from that hand. I will be 26 this Saturday and honestly I feel as though I have done nothing more than reproduced 4 times. Now mind you I know that’s a big feat and I have the responsibility and pleasure to raise wonderful, productive, Christian women and one man who can possibly and hopefully be great lights in this dark world. But once they’re gone, what then?

Debacle, has been one of the popular words that pop into my head when people spoke of their New Year Resolutions, they were always destined for failure so I never cared for them personally. Likewise, I sense that word trying to rear its negative head through my not so thick skin of positivity when it comes to setting life goals and aspiring for certain business plans. You see I too dreamed once, reached for the moon, only to fall short, not even reaching the nearest star. I dreamed of opening a Christian School for the Deaf, I had my location picked out, my requirements for teachers and staff, curriculum that would be mandatory. I even had the children’s sweet faces pictured in my mind, I was going to change the lives of these “handicapped” children by instilling godly values and a sense of pride over their “infirmity”. Teaching them that nothing, not even deafness could hinder them from succeeding in any aspect of life. Pouring myself and my love for Christ into children that were not my own, children who likely have never “heard” of Christ’s sweet name or of His defeating death for us because they have no one to interpret.

But just as God declined David’s building of the Temple, I feel as if the ship of possibility has sailed for me as well.

26 years. If my life is cut short at 52 that means I have already lived half of my life and what do I have to show for it? What major accomplishments have been made? What good can I be held responsible for?

I don’t have all the answers for those specific questions but I do love a good challenge and those questions I will try to turn into daily challenges for myself.

  1. What will you do TODAY that can make a difference in another’s life?
  2. What small accomplishment can you conquer TODAY?
  3. What good can you be held responsible for TODAY?

Hopefully in a year I’ll be able to look back on year 26 and smile, knowing I seized every opportunity to refine and reform myself while also creating a ripple effect resulting in some good in someone’s world.