I’m Sorry.

IMG_2627 There’s one thing I’m quite horrible at {other than cooking a roast}; it’s compassion, at least at first, and especially when I’m angry {whether it’s anger directed towards the person or myself}. I hate that I come off so brunt, it’s something I have to put thought towards and most of the time in the heat of the moment I’ll throw the age-old response, “suck it up”,  “get over it”, “shake it off”, or “figure it out”, instead of showing compassion and love while helping the person work through the problem.

Life is very black and white to me, if there are any grey lines, it’s only where the white may have smudged a little on the black line, but never a gradual fade. When I see a mess I approach it with a fix it or forget it attitude and if it isn’t fixed instantly it falls into the forget it pile.

But I’ve come to realize some healing takes time, oh so much time. Some wounds are so deep a quick stitch cannot mend them, they need time to heal from the inside out, leaving a faint scar as a constant reminder of what one has endured. Some sicknesses cannot be rid by prayers alone but need an antibiotic to ward of bacteria, unfortunately the bacteria can become immune to treatment and come back with a vengeance; stronger than before, leaving one fighting for dear life.

I’m sorry. So, so sorry.

Until now I have always believed healing was attainable if one wanted it bad enough, worked hard for it, exhausted all possible revenues, which in return would lead them to full health. My reasoning had never failed me, therefore it wouldn’t anyone else, that is until it did fail me. God has a unique way of humbling a person and His means to do so can seem cruel but who am I to question His ways? Hence this apology to you my dearest friend, my confidant, the one who reads my thoughts and judges silently, to you my readers:

I’m sorry if you have ever come to me and admitted a failure and was met with a scowl instead of an understanding smile.

I’m sorry if instead of encouragement and advice you received discouragement and judgement.

I’m sorry if you needed an embrace but got hit with a cold shoulder.

I’m sorry if you needed some sunshine but I gave you a thunderstorm.

I’m sorry if you needed to vent but instead became the listener.

I’m sorry if you needed silence but I was too busy yapping to yield  to the silence with you.

I’m sorry if you needed time but I had none to spare.

I want to be your safe place.

I know words can be forgiven but not forgotten but I do hope you’ll forgive me and I’ll be waiting patiently for a chance to redeem myself if you ever need any of the above. I only ask that you pay it forward and be another’s safe place, we all need one.